There is something to be said for work that requires little thought. I've always found simple work to be very boring. I've always made sport of it. I remember in school purposefully not studying for tests, just to see how much I could remember (I only had 1 B in High School, PE, and I was a 4 sport Athlete). Sometimes I would simply shorten the time I would allow myself to fill out the exam by waiting until there were only 30 or so minutes left. I've always found that work that did not require adjustment or adaptation to be too easy. Kind of like my relationships, if it came easy, I got bored. Something about challenge or expectation of failure that drove me. Sometimes, I feel as though I've lost that edge.
Growing up, I was ingrained with a motto of "Excellence Expected, Excellence Achieved". I always thought that that meant excellence was expected of me and if not achieved, that I had failed. I still feel that way today, though I've started to think that it meant more that if one expected excellence of themselves, then excellence would be achieved. Either way, it sets the bar pretty high.
So, I write by memory and my memory plays like a Quentin Tarantino movie. Pardon the jumping around. I also write in odd style, from prose to recounting in journalistic style to faded photographs. I beg your patience as I piece together the journey.
Living out of a car wasn’t bad when you could sleep inside
I’d been doing it now for a few years Life on the run From just about everything
It wears you out Fake Plastic smiles Influenced eyes
I understand why the priest brewed bread
Some say that church is where you make it, home is where you lay your head
I have no home, no religion
I live
Or at least I try to
This life, this world
It makes you question everything Especially when you actually live it
Some say I’m brave Some say I’m stupid Some say I’m afraid Some say I’m brilliant
I’m none of these
If anything, I’m just as lost as the rest of you
I’m just not afraid to say it
I may be hiding from something, but it’s not myself
Hiding from the world around you That’s human
Hiding from yourself That’s cowardice.
You can’t hide from yourself
Yourself always comes out
You always win
You can’t lie to yourself You can’t remake yourself You can’t be what you are not
You can try
But in the end
You will always be you
Love it Hate it
No difference
You are you
Run Run Run Fall and get up RUN
You are still here Standing still Gone
...
I left my room around 6:30, bored & hot. For winter, it was amazing how hot my room would get by mid day. I had arrived in town a couple days earlier, all my possessions packed into the back of my truck. Strung out on caffeine and white lines, I had trouble sleeping.
I wondered town the first night by foot There was snow melting on the sidewalks & it made it hard to walk. The town was small & dirty, as if time had stopped 20 years ago. Just cold and coal dust and the smell of a dirty river
I’ve seen hard living up close before, but this was a new kind of tough here The kind of tough that had been given opportunity, but bought a bottle & had a kid instead. Rejection was no stranger here; some may even call her honey.
It was amazing how the smell of fresh snow melt mingled with fresh piss outside my hotel.
The charm of the place was unmistakable. It was the type of place that everyone ran to when you had nowhere else to run. Time forgot, old & quiet. Everyone had secrets here
...
Stale
Like bread left out of the wrapper for days Moldy and hard Crispy to the bite, sour to the taste
I can’t Let go Can’t hold on
like fog on the morning my head fuzzy, soft damp between warm and cool lost but on familiar ground
stale like open beer, in the morning, in july
stale like pizza from anywhere at 9 in the morning
stale like my life
amazing how still one can be, even on the run
stale like 4 hour old gas station coffee
stale like “anyone can play guitar”
one two
stale
my ambitions so many ideas like too many drinks half empty half full
I stepped off the car to the smell of oil and diesel. Unmistakable.
I had Philip Glass and the Kronos Quartet No 3 – Mishima / Closing
A majestic procession of rail cars Warehouse condos and fenced lots The grey skies seemed to sparkle with the lift of the strings Glimmers of what was a spectacular sunset You could see the winter cold
Rush hour in Chicago Timed madness
Like a river with controlled currents
Go Stop – Go Stop GO
People everywhere
All in their own lanes Like a well choreographed ballet Simplicity from complexity
Beauty in the Stand still.
Dim lights and bright neon.
I find a cave to crawl in Warm glow of cable news Absurdity in a 24 hour loop
I run through messages Nothing new Same old list of refugees
Camps closing Whispers of better confines on new horizons March of Hope Towards what, none of us are sure But march we must
An hour passes Two veterans from the early days of the war stumble in We drink We remember battles past We speak of life without war
We all decide peace is boring
Another round of drinks with dinner Time to go
Back to the cold embrace Like the station inhales and exhales Before spewing our steel home back out
East into the black
The Einherjar call us to the Hall.
...
A steel grey tube Thin metal track Chilling black
Almost 24 hours Iron horse zephyr Express to the Capital Of a dying nation Maybe already dead Limbo Someone forgot to call the time
Toe tagged for decades Trailing on the last flashes of hope
Stubborn ideals Like street lights east of South Bend Rural Indiana No one for miles But they hold their candles lit proudly For warriors never returning home
So many strangers All running For what?
What is left to run for? Even change comes in time Like a water fall from a leaky facet
All it takes is time.
Time I have no time No ability to wait
Earthquake of motion
Shakes you like a good hangover I’ll never drink again
Pass the bottle
So often hitting the end of the tracks This time seems like the worst of them all
Racing to the promised land Upon Valkyrie wings No candles lit at this church
Here they blow them out for kicks No one cares unless they can get the take
People fain surprise at the announcement of corruption Another blustery storm on its way to jail
So, I've been relatively absent for quite some time. You may notice that this particular fan club has also seen some removals. Well, let me explain. I've spent the past 2 years of my life much like the previous 4.5, on the road defending freedom. In this particular case I was traveling for our now President, Barack Obama.
It was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. I've met some truly wonderful people and places in the past, but this particular campaign resulted in more than I can quantify. Never before have I seen the type of impassioned and empowered, simply beautiful people that I had the great privilege to work with on this campaign. The absolute brilliance that took place on a day to day basis, on so little sleep, strung out on coffee and your snack of choice (mine was snack sized butterfingers and coca-cola) was simply amazing to witness and something that words cannot describe.
I have found that in the 3 months now that have lapsed since the end of that extraordinary quest, that it has been very difficult to 1) not speak of it and 2) to explain it to those who were not there.
I've caught myself reading back through a series of emails from the closing days of the campaign and thinking about what not only this campaign, but the last now 7 years of my life have meant to me and to those that my work has touched. One particular email has hit me harder than most. It took me several readings to accept what it was saying and for myself to accept what that person was trying to tell me. She is an inspiration to me and that is why I've decided to restart this blog.
I am going to attempt in the next series of posts to lay out my experience and what this campaign and this lifestyle means to me, what you could call the 2nd Inaugural Launching of this fan club. I encourage those of you who have shared in this journey to comment and send me posts. To those of you who have been on past journeys with me or to those who witnessed this journey from the outside of the organization, please send me posts and comment as well. Not all will be rosy descriptions of the amazing volunteers, not all will be rants about the things that drove us nuts. It is my hope that each post, each story will be balanced and in the end, educational. It is through each perspective that I hope to illustrate to all those who read these entries, just what this life we lead is all about and why we do it.
1. Put your iTunes on shuffle. 2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer. 3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW OUTRAGEOUS IT SOUNDS! 4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the game as well as the person you got the note from.
Note:I honestly did this just as described.I did not cherry pick the music, this is honestly what came up on shuffle.
IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY? Run Like Hell – Pink Floyd
As crazy as it sounds, this song has always been a positive song for me.The kind of “take no prisoners” attitude that we all need sometimes.To me, it is a reminder to remember who you are, not to fall for the trappings of the easy thing to get along.In the business I’m in it is a daily occurrence to have to deal with those people you hate.The soulless vacant machines that infest politics, squeaky from leaking oil and guzzling grease.They’re broken down, worn out and they know it.The worst part is, they’re like those perpetually existing bad guys in the movies.The more they’re beaten, the harder they fight.The more you slay them, the more they come back. DIE FOUL BEASTS, RETURN TO YOUR MERKY PIT OF PESTILENCE AND PLAGUE!
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PE RSONALITY? Ode to a Butterfly – Nickel Creek
Silent and elegant.Hurried and yet without care.To watch a butterfly anywhere in the world is a beautiful thing.They fight so hard to go only a short distance.I encourage you to stop your day the next time you see a butterfly, just watch as they hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait.Never a straight line to anything, but always a new destination to get to.My childhood home is in the migratory path for Monarch Butterflies, I’ve always been fascinated by them, how they always find the same places in their long travels, they always find home.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Ground On Down – Ben Harper
How can you not feel this song?Harper plugged in is the best Harper to be heard.The journey of this song, the discovery of the beautiful existence of struggle.The duality of that relationship that kills, whether it be work, love or life in general.The passion that makes you drive for those things that are most unachievable.The warning of what makes your life worth living, making it worth the time and interaction that makes life a beautiful struggle.It is this I look for in my friends as well as my love and it is this quality that strikes me hardest in the one I love.
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE? Abraham – Sufjan Stevens
I’m not sure how this might relate, but here are the lyrics.
Abraham, worth a righteous one. Take up on the wood, put it on your son. Lake or lamb. There is none to harm. When the angel came, you had raised your arm.
Abraham, put off on your son. Take instead the ram until Jesus comes
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Give a Man a Home – Ben Harper
I mean, this is supposed to be a completely random thing, but it makes you wonder when you are homeless and at the mercy of friends’ couches to have a roof over your head, so come on, Give a Man a Home!
Have you ever lost your way have you ever feared another day have you ever misplaced your mind watching this world leave you behind won't you won't you give won't you give a man give a man a home
have you ever worn thin have you ever never known where to begin have you ever lost your belief watching your faith turn to grief
won't you won't you give won't you give a man give a man a home
in a world that is unwhole you have got to fight to keep your soul some would rather give than receive some would rather give up before they believe
won't you won't you give won't you give a man give a man a home
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Creep – Damien Rice
This was a funny coincidence.One of my favorite songs in the world and one of the few covers I actually allow to be played on my iPod.This song has embodied so many moments of my life.I’ve always felt as though I was the perpetual outcast, always the Black Sheep trying so hard to find the conformity.I’ve tried, as many of us have at some point, to be that person that you want to be around, the person that people say “where is he?” when they get together.My closest of friends have helped me to maintain my sanity through these bouts of narcissistic Munchhausen’s, I’ve never hurt myself and I never would, but I have definitely pushed myself to breaking points to be “that guy”, “that clown here to amuse you”.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? Wrong Way – Sublime
I’m a guy, we all think about those things.But, I have always tried to play the part of hero, the rescuer.Usually I’m the one that ends up needing the rescue, but it was funny that this came up on the random.
WHAT IS 2+2? Bongo Joe – Galactic
Of course it is.To anyone who knows Galactic, you’ll know why this was a very fitting song for a question meant to throw a curve ball.Funky jazz from NOLA, 4 beats with an aggressive down beat.Of course 2+2 = Bongo Joe.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? Gotta Serve Somebody – Bob Dylan
Since all of my best friends are in the line of work called Public Service, this is a quite fitting song.We’ve all worked for Demons and Angels, but we all served somebody in the process.Just remember, we all serve somebody.
You may be an ambassador to England or France, You may like to gamble, you might like to dance, You may be the heavyweight champion of the world, You may be a socialite with a long string of pearls
But you're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed You're gonna have to serve somebody, Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord But you're gonna have to serve somebody.
You might be a rock 'n' roll addict prancing on the stage, You might have drugs at your command, women in a cage, You may be a business man or some high degree thief, They may call you Doctor or they may call you Chief
But you're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed You're gonna have to serve somebody, Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord But you're gonna have to serve somebody.
You may be a state trooper, you might be a young Turk, You may be the head of some big TV network, You may be rich or poor, you may be blind or lame, You may be living in another country under another name
But you're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed You're gonna have to serve somebody, Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord But you're gonna have to serve somebody.
You may be a construction worker working on a home, You may be living in a mansion or you might live in a dome, You might own guns and you might even own tanks, You might be somebody's landlord, you might even own banks
But you're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed You're gonna have to serve somebody, Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord But you're gonna have to serve somebody.
You may be a preacher with your spiritual pride, You may be a city councilman taking bribes on the side, You may be workin' in a barbershop, you may know how to cut hair, You may be somebody's mistress, may be somebody's heir
But you're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed You're gonna have to serve somebody, Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord But you're gonna have to serve somebody.
Might like to wear cotton, might like to wear silk, Might like to drink whiskey, might like to drink milk, You might like to eat caviar, you might like to eat bread, You may be sleeping on the floor, sleeping in a king-sized bed
But you're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed You're gonna have to serve somebody, Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord But you're gonna have to serve somebody.
You may call me Terry, you may call me Timmy, You may call me Bobby, you may call me Zimmy, You may call me R.J., you may call me Ray, You may call me anything but no matter what you say
You're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed You're gonna have to serve somebody. Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord But you're gonna have to serve somebody.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE? The Vivid Unknown – Philip Glass & Yo Yo Ma
It doesn’t get much better than Philip Glass when it comes to what kind of classical music I love.His minimalist approach to music, simple and repetitive, is exactly what we all want to have when we get hold of the things that make us smile.We want them always, more and more, real or in memory.Then you bring in Yo Yo Ma, the only person I’ve ever known to tell a story with no words, he paints the picture of the memory with every mournful stroke of the cello.Now add the visual narration of the movie for which this music was written and you get the full story.For me, this music can paint every drive, every dinner, every coffee, every walk, every photo, and every hug.I see them all, feel them all and miss them all.Though slow, sad and droning, the final 2 minutes drive to that rapture of conclusion, that moment of finality, wherever that moment may occur.
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY? Hey Hey - Dispatch
Love found, love lost.Work found, work lost.Cycles upon cycles.No regrets, that’s what we’re supposed to say, right?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? Supposed To Be – Jack Johnson
Perfect song for this question, because I have no idea what I want to be.I’ve only done the things I’m supposed to do.I’ve usually always moved like water, sometimes with the flow, sometimes forcing myself through rock.I’ve almost always done it alone, even when I’ve had friends there to help, I’ve been really good at making sure to drive them away, force them to swim to the nearest shore or be drowned in the rapids of my life.Maybe this is what it is supposed to be, I have no idea.
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE? 45 Degrees (East’s Heart Divided) – Songs:Ohia
This song doesn’t make much sense, but it has a nice angst driven push to it.Sleeping in wartime and having to ask permission to be there, seems about right sometimes.But again, it is the wonders of shuffle on iPod.
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Oh God, Where are you now? – Sufjan Stevens
Song as prayer or prayer as song, take your pick.But, it definitely has the feeling of parents asking for a watchful eye for their boy.Probably a bit too sad for my parents though.
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? A Winner Needs a Wand – Sufjan Stevens
Random is a wonderful thing, though I would probably have some Sufjan playing at my wedding, I’m not sure this is the song that I would choose.It is a wonderfully tight storyline, the dynamic alliteration and somewhat nonsense lyrics, actually tell a wonderful love story of struggling identity.
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Born at the Right Time – Paul Simon
This is one of my favorite songs of Paul Simon’s, though I’ve never thought it to be particularly relating to my life.I am one of those people though that has actually spent time thinking about what songs they’d hope to have played at their funeral.I’m kind of like the main character in High Fidelity, bit scary sometimes.So….
Top 5 Songs to play at the funeral of Brendan Beattie, no particular order…
China Cat Sunflower into You Know Me Rider – Grateful Dead
Heaven – Talking Heads
The Harder They Come – Jimmy Cliff
When the Saints Come Marching in – Dirty Dozen Brass Band
Castles Made of Sand – Jimi Hendrix
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Cello Song – Nick Drake
Honestly in the Top 10 Funeral Songs, just doesn’t quite break into the above 5.It does certainly relate to what has essentially become the purpose of my life, that of helping others to achieve their little slice of heaven.I hope someday there are hands reaching down to me in my time of need, until then, I’ll keep pushing up from the bottom, Sit and wait and sing my song.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Miami – Yo Gotti ft. Rick Ross
‘Cus we roll hard.Go Hard, Go Home.We Run This.
WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? Romeo - Sublime
The shuffle strikes again with another outside hit.At least at first glance, but when you get into the lyrics…The story of Romeo is truly one of the worst things that could happen.Sublime’s version however, is of course stained with all kinds of seediness, but then, so is my life.
HOW WILL YOU DIE? A Punch-Up at a Wedding – Radiohead
Title is fitting, as I could definitely see this happening in real life.The arguments of the lyrics however, I see myself more as the one singing than the person being sung to, but who knows…
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET? Motion Picture Soundtrack – Radiohead
Such a sad song, reminds me of the one time in my life that I almost completely lost my mind.It was one of the largest regrets I’ve ever had, letting that person turn me into something so helpless and lost.It is not who I am and I’m glad I’m better now.Thank you to those people that helped me through that period of my life, you know who you are.
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? Ain’t No Reason – Brett Dennen
If you don’t know Brett Dennen, you should.This song is probably the closest thing to explaining what goes through my head every day, so yes, It makes me smile and laugh.
there ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay I can't explain why we live this way we do it every day preachers on the podiums speaking to saints prophets on the sidewalks begging for change old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name i got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same a window and a pigeon with a broken wing you can spend your whole life working for something just to have it taken away people walk around pushing back their desks wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets talking 'bout nothing, not thinking about their every little heart beat, every little breath people walk a tight rope on a razor's edge carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons it could be a bomb or a bullet or a pin or a thought or a word or a sentence. There ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay I don't know why i say the things i say, but I say them anyway. but love will come set me free love will come set me free i do believe love will come set me free i know it will love will come set me free yes prison walls still standing tall some things never change at all keep on building prisons, gonna fill them all. keep on building bombs gonna drop them all working your fingers bare to the bone breaking your back, make you sell your soul like a lung is filled with coal, suffocating slow the wind blows wild and I may move but politicians lie and I’m not fooled you don't need no reason or a 3 piece suit to argue the truth the air on my skin and the world under my toes Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes chaos and commotion wherever I go love, I try to follow but love will come set me free love will come set me free I do believe love will come set me free I know it will love will come set me free yes there ain't no reasons things are this way its how they've always been and they intend to stay I can't explain why we live this way; we do it every day.
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY? Whenever I have Done a Thing in Flames – Songs:Ohia
I’m not sure why, but this band gets to me on a lot of levels.None of their songs are really longer than a paragraph, but they are powerful.Just read the lyrics.
in any house in the world there is background of flames in any house in the world there is background of storms and any house in the world a winter spent alone wherever I have done a thing for love it has ruined me rebuild the day out of flames rebuild the day out of the silence of that day I'm going to choose, I will have to choose whenever I have done a thing in flames (x2) it has saved me
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED? Please, Please Me – Ben Harper
I’ve asked myself this question a few times.My younger sister is married, many of my friends and colleagues are married, and all of them seem happy.But for some reason, this has not been one of my life goals.It is not that I haven’t found someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, I have.It isn’t that love has left me or gone unrequited, but more of a sense of not needing that sort of recognition as required by society of what 2 people share.I’m sure someday, baby,I just, maybe…but until then, I just want someone to Please me like they want to, not like they have to.
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST? The Partisan – Leonard Cohen
When they poured across the border I was cautioned to surrender, this I could not do; I took my gun and vanished. I have changed my name so often, I've lost my wife and children but I have many friends, and some of them are with me.
An old woman gave us shelter, kept us hidden in the garret, then the soldiers came; she died without a whisper.
There were three of us this morning I'm the only one this evening but I must go on; the frontiers are my prison.
Oh, the wind, the wind is blowing, through the graves the wind is blowing, freedom soon will come; then we'll come from the shadows.
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? Bang Bang - Dispatch
Shuffle knows all.I can’t wait for the next adventure with you all.
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? Aish Tamid - Matisyahu
I would go back to the point where I was supposed to see the city crumbling, so I knew when to start rebuilding; much easier to do when things first fall apart than returning to a lost civilization.
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? Darling, You Are -Songs:Ohia
darling you are one of the bad women darling you are one of.....
